Sea Dits
a couple provided by Terry Coupe


TO: The neighbours, friends, relatives and people he owes
money to, this is issued in solemn warning this day
of .............., that ......................... will be heading
west in ....... days.


Dear ..............................

Very soon the above named will be in your midst once again, de-hydrated, dejected
and demoralised. he will be eager to regain his place in society as a human being,
entitled to liberty, freedom and justice, whilst engaged on a somewhat delayed pursuit
of happiness.

In making your joyous preparations to welcome him back to civilisation, you must
make some allowances for the crude environment which has become his home for the past
six months. in brief, he may have become a trifle Arabian cum Indian cum Chinese (known
as Golligicated in naval circles.) He will probably be suffering from Rashitis, Sweatitis and
Dogitis or even the shakes (a common complaint brought on by the consumption of too much
ouzo, glop, tiger beer and other alcoholic beverages that defy description or name.)

Therefore, show no signs of alarm if he prefers to sit on the floor instead of a chair,
wear his only desert boots out doors and the rest of the time wanders around clad in a
towel and flip flops.

His diet, to which he has grown accustomed, should, for the first few weeks, consist
of tinned milk (watered down considerably) or powdered milk mixed with plenty of lumps,
de-hydrated potatoes or other canned veg. Fresh or rich foods should be avoided for the
first few weeks and then introduced gradually. his only meat should be very tough, fatty

If on being awakened for breakfast he uses very strong language in making known
his desire for you to leave him alone, muttering something about "middles", don't be
alarmed, treat it as normal, which for the past few months it has been, also don't show
any sign of shock or embarrasment if on wakening him, you find him in the Ah Hem!
nude. This is due to the fact that his only pair of Knicks are drying on a chair in the
bathroom together with his socks (thousand milers) and on some very rare occasions, a

Do not allow him on the road unaccompanied as this could prove fatal. Rather than
walk anywhere, he will sit on the pavement for hours waiting for some motorist to take pity
on him and give him a lift. Also sidetrack him from partially filled coaches, for he will
almost certainly regard them as organised trips to the local brewery.

Never allow him to go shopping on his own, explain to him that all kinds of arguing
cajoling, bartering and even threatening the shop keepers is not done back home, otherwise
you might find yourself trying to explain to the local tobacconist why your dearly beloved
refered to him as a black enamelled two faced #@+!!?#.

if at meal times his method of using a knife and fork remind you of a navvy wielding
a pick and shovel, pay no attention, he will soon assimilate that he is once again in the
presence of human beings and not just a collective of numbers and ranks. Ignore cries
of "pass the slide or red lead". He will soon learn the correct names agian. Also ignore
the fact that at supper times he makes sandwiches out of everything on his plate and
sneaks them upstairs muttering something about "nine-o-clockers".

At odd times during the day he may rop off to sleep in the oddest positions and
places, waking to cries of such things as "is the water back on yet." Do not laugh at this
and ignore the bewildered look of childlike joy on his face every time he turns on the taps
and finds hot AND cold water. He will soon expect this as normal.

The beer in the fridge is also very important as at 1630 every day expect him to come
running into the kitchen demanding his three tinnies. These acts of mercy on your part
will help to slowly recondition him to what you call civilisation.

Never ask him for cigarettes or money. You will only be sadly disappionted and let
yourself in for such a long and hart rendering tale of why he hasn't got any, that you'll
finnish up supplying them both.

His language will take some getting used to at first, but in a short time, with
patience, he can be tought to speak english again. Never ask him why the lad down the road
has a higher rank and never in his presence make flattering remarks about the R.A.F or Army
For the first few months (untill house trained agian) be particularly watchful when he
is in the company of women, especially young and beautiful specimens. After seeing women
woped by handsome men on the cinima screen for the past few months (his only contect with
that side of life) he visualises himself as the answer to every girls prayer and afew she dos'nt
know about yet. His intentions are sincere though dishonourable.

Lastly, keep in mind that beneath his tanned rugged exterior, there beats a heart of
gold, although somewhat tarnished maybe. Treasure this, as it is the only thing of value
he has left. Treat him with kindness and tolerance. An occasional quart or rum berofe
his dinner and you will know the boundless joy of having returned to mankind and sanity
that which returns to you a hollow shell of a man you once knew.

What is a sailor?
Between the security of childhood and the insecurity of second childhood, we find a group of humanity and they are called sailors

They come in assorted shapes and sizes, weights and states of sobriety. they can be found on ships at sea, in shore bases, in love and always in dept.

Girls love them, towns' tolerate them and the government support them. A sailor is laziness with a pack of cards, bravery with tattooed arm and the protector of the seas with a copy of "men only" . They have the energy of a turtle, the slyness of a fox, brains of an idiot, stories of a sea captain, sincerity of a liar and the aspirations of a Casanova.
When he does work, he really wants something to do with a request form. some of his interests are:- women, dames, females, girls, the opposite sex and of course alcohol of any sort. his dislikes are:- answering letters, wearing his uniform (pussers style) the old man, jimmy the one, pussers scran and wakey wakey. no one else can get into his jacket pocket:- a little black book, string, a pencil, ciggie stump, a packet of blue liners, a crumpled picture of his girl friend, a comb, an old station card and whats left of his pay.

He likes to spend some of his pay on girls, some on beer, some on cards and the rest he squanders foolishly. yet the sailor is a magic creature , you can sling him out of your home but not out of your heart, you can scratch him off your mail list but not off your mind. A sailor is your one and only bleary eyed, good for nothing bundle of worries, but all your dreams become insignificant when your sailor docks and looks at you with bloodshot eyes, smiles and says,

Hi love, i'm home!

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